What makes us fear the words “I’m not coping”?
“I am not coping.”
Four words. Simple in form. Straight forward in meaning. Yet so often, they have to be pried from our lips. Speaking them, a sign of weakness as we try to live up to society’s expectations of the career woman who can “have it all”.
“Surely, this is life & I should just suck it up?” we think. Our inner voice wavering as we desperately hold our seams together.
For the assuming mind, these four words are laced fearful consequence. We bury them. Until the inner conflict at the heart of our existence comes roaring to life’s surface.
The more we persevere, confusing physical & mental symptoms start to erupt. “There must be something wrong with me,” you convince yourself. As the sun sets on another over-gorged day & you collapse into bed. The heaviness of your heart pins you to your mattress, while your head dreads the sunrise when you’ll have to do life all over again.
Since releasing My Beautiful Mess to the world, I’ve been overwhelmed by young women pouring out their own dire personal-professional situation. It is never one or the other, it’s a murky mess of the two. And both they & their families, are suffering.
I listen to these stories now, & feel like I’m staring at the 2016 version of myself. The words I thought then are the same words I hear these women speak now.
“I need to speak to someone who understands.”
They are desperate for connection with a mind & heart that will help them not feel so alone in a time of profound aloneness. They are looking for a personal floatation device to keep them from drowning. A safe space. Permission to stop & say the words “I’m not coping,” out loud.
That is the point where the tears, if not already falling, cascade down their withdrawn cheeks in torrents.
The floodgate of relief opened.
What makes us push ourselves to breaking point before saying these four simple words?
Fear.
We fear uncertainty
We fear tarnishing the highlight reel
We fear disappointing others
We fear financial insecurity
We fear we’re a failure
We fear navigating the consequences (& having the headspace to do so)
We fear reputation ruin
We fear hinderance of career progression
We fear we might be forced to face a part of us we don’t like very much
We fear not being busy or having a purpose
Ironically, we fear these assumptions while ignoring a reality that is much, much worse – life staying exactly the same.
While relief often accompanies the realisation we aren’t coping with life’s responsibilities, our delicate fragility can’t be ignored. It is a highly emotional time.
Embarking on bringing our thoughts to life, starts with confronting the fears that have held us back.
I like this fear setting strategy. Pick a peaceful space & in a personal journal, have a go at the following,
What is the worst that can happen by admitting you aren’t coping? Be as dramatic, creative & dooms-day-ish as you can. (even if you aren’t in the mood.)
What strategies can you put in place to minimise the chance of this happening?
Be clear on what you will do, should the worst happen. Being prepared with contingencies. They will help navigate your flight-fight response & steer the conversation in your preferred direction.
Writing the words, a way of calming the emotional charge that risks highjacking any eventual workplace conversation. There is no right or wrong. It is a change process, deeply personal & this is the start.
Remember, as our heart’s priorities change, life must change too.
Nothing can or should stay the same forever.
Peta x
High performance Sales & Career coach, Speaker & Author of My Beautiful Mess - living through burnout & rediscovering me
This article is a part of my burnout series. The next, preparing for the “I’m not coping” conversation in the workplace.